A strange phenomenon has been happening for me–slowly, the more I am focusing on me with no male distractions, the more I seem to be reverting to my 18th year.
This feeling comes in glimpses and memories pop in sporadically…
The more time I spend ON MY OWN, the more I take on the me that I was as a young lady at the age of 18. It’s true, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I see the me of this year but every now and then I see the me of yesteryear! It’s more about how I feel pretty regularly these days. I feel like that girl–even if I no longer look like her on the outside, I look like her on the inside and I am enjoying her.
I just heard a classic rock song that had helped me crawl out of a lopsided relationship when I was 18. I had been playing around with my first love since the age of 15. The falling in love was full of thrill and wonder but in time the relationship became sex only. We were young, this was a new physical thrill and we couldn’t seem to get enough of the sexual aspect of things.
The other aspects of a healthy relationship fell away. I was stood up over and over and over again. Lies, cheating, and pretty much everything a relationship is not, I was in it. It happened over and over and over and over again! For 3 to 4 years, this is how I lived my life and I just kept letting it happen!
Everytime I’d rehearse all the things I would say to him when he showed up at my door for the nighttime thrills, the words would disappear as soon as I’d see his face. I just wanted more of that feeling of connection and heat and love. That is no way to live though and it was hijacking all my thoughts most of the time. And, oh God, in those days there was no voicemail or answering machines–I spent so much time waiting by the phone! I tell you, it was bad and I had it bad!
Thank God for the song, “Your Time Is Gonna Come” by Led Zeppelin (his favorite band). [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-p5ZQDjNtQ&w=420&h=315]
I hadn’t heard it before this day and if I did, I really didn’t hear it. We were driving along listening to this song and it gave me this immediate AHA Epiphany! “Lyin, cheatin, hurtin, that’s all you seem to do. Messin around every guy in town, puttin me down for thinkin I’m someone new–always the same playin your games, drive me in-sane, trouble’s gonna come to you. One of these days and it won’t be long, you’ll look for me but baby, I’ll be gone…”.
In an instant, I was free!
I no longer had the need to stay in a relationship that was so part-time and neglectful. This was such a big deal for me, someone who had never experienced an intimate physical love before and was clearly addicted to the love–then to finally be done with it.
The ill-fated relationship was finished for me, in an instant, and I felt true freedom at its best!
In time, I got back to being me, loving me–the authentic me and valuing my worth.
Music is powerful, memories are powerful, life is a continuous reflection and if we take the time to enjoy the reflecting we just may be able to tap into FEELING fabulous and it doesn’t matter what age you’re at now. We don’t have to stay stuck where we’ve landed, we can go anywhere we choose with our fabulous feelings!
And gosh, if you stay in those feelings for long, the way you’re vibrating starts to pull people who are vibrating in the same way into your life. Yesterday, I went to help a friend walk the streets of Korea Town in Los Angeles putting up signs for his lost Chihuahua. As I walked from my car to his house, a young man on a bike greeted me asking how my day was. I told him what I was up to. Since my friend was sick and needed to rest I was going to go hang signs and talk to people in the park. Anyway, this young man decided to join me–which was great because I didn’t know where I was going.
Guess how old he was? He was 18 and guess what he was interested in?
As a young man of 18, they’ve got one thing on their mind–even toward me a woman who is visibly MUCH older than him. He wasn’t really seeing me though, he was feeling my vibration–clear, open, and alive!
Yes indeed, I’ve gone back to the me I was before and after all the distractions. It’s as if I’m stripping away this old paint that was stuck in me–you know the paint that keeps getting painted over in apartment buildings after one tenant leaves and the next one arrives. I’m just more of the authentic ME before I found a way to pour love onto another.
By being true to the beauty that lies deep inside you–the beauty that was there before you allowed anything to mess it up and make it sticky, you can experience more of yourselves and wake up and feel the freedom of knowing your worth. You are worthy of all the love YOU can give yourself, then the love you deserve from another can arrive with the same perfect purity!
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting that the love of my life is the 18-year-old guy interested in sex. I am merely suggesting that because my energy has been cleared of all the gobbly gook of being in relationships and I am solely focused on being the best me I can be, the essence of me is emerging. People aren’t necessarily seeing me, they are feeling me. THAT is what life should be all about. When we can feel one another instead of being misguided by the physical form, now we’re onto something! How we feel is everything, it supersedes our sight!